email to the pediatrician...

Subject: Feeding adjustment

Hi Dr. JJ- I have several questions regarding feeding 5 month old Alexander. My frozen supply of milk is rapidly disappearing, and when I pump I am getting much less than I used to. Also, when I breastfeed him in the evening, he does not seem to get full- and fusses until I give him a bottle with 2-3 ounces of breastmilk to settle him down and get ready to sleep.

I plan to start Alex on rice cereal twice per day starting tomorrow to help satisfy his appetite.

My questions pertain to supplementing him with formula. Alex would get very fussy/gassy early on (I had observed it was after I would have milk) and you advised me to stop drinking milk myself- that he was sensitive to the milk proteins- and not to start again until he was 6 months old.

In this, should I try Alex on regular cow milk formula or start with a soy based product? And after naming which, is there a brand you feel would be better for him? I was thinking I would try to always keep him nursing, but when he is being watched by the nanny and in the evening to give him formula to help satisfy his appetite. He is a big boy- I believe almost 18 pounds at this point at just about 5 months old.

I want to try to continue nursing as long as I can, and I realize that the more demand there is the greater the supply- so I will keep him on the breast and try to pump what I can get out of myself in the next several months!

Please advise with a strategy for moving forward to feed Alex. Thank you Dr. JJ-Julie

notes for the nanny...

So, we haven't had Rachel here in a week- this will be her first full day at the house with both kids, with me at the office. It is all good- really it is! I just needed to jot down a few thoughts to leave her with for the day...

just a couple of things...

please only one episode of little einsteins in morning, and one in afternoon if need be.

only leave what is leftover in a bottle for Geoff- you don't need to make a full one as long as Alex has eaten somewhat recently before you head out.

there are yummy fresh green grapes (please rinse well) for sophie's afternoon snack- also a yogurt drink or applesauce for morning snack- there are no frozen cookies, so please give her a handful of teddy grahams or animal crackers after lunch- I left them toward the front of the top shelf in the pantry.

she is almost done with her congestion, so please offer her pink milk- just two drops in the bottom of a sippy- sippies are now in cabinet with glasses

if you get a few minutes in the morning, please empty the dishwasher, sophie will be happy to help.

with the warm weather, soph has been having fun getting kinda naked and playing with the water table. You can use the red bucket and fill with warm-ish water from the kitchen sink and halfway fill the water table. she has been having a good time drawing with chalk in the wet puddles. be sure to keep alex in a shady area on the patio.

sophie may go down for a nap- maybe not. Don't push it too hard- if she has at least 45 minutes of 'quiet time' in her room with the shade down, good enough.

Alex will probably need a change into cooler clothes as the day heats up- a short sleeved onesie from the bin and cotton pants from the second drawer down.

thank you!

Alexander- 4 months, 2 weeks...

Bright happy boy,

you shine like a new penny pressed to be held

bobbing, rocking, like a toy boat in a blue baby pool.

If only I could capture your beaming smile in a camera lens,

but it is only for me- when we are face to face, nothing between

I adore you, raspberries blown into your neck

There is now a distinctive "buh" sound coming from you

mornings are the most vocal, your lush and raspy

sounds growing longer and more meaningful

tummy down, you roll off of my torso in the morning bed

and practice on the floor during the day, cooing and sucking

on your hands- it is hard work

There is newness every day- more activity, more interest.

When you are with me at the kitchen table to try to pull my

food toward your mouth- as I have let you taste banana, apple,

before- just tastes. They are enough- you want more, you are

ready for food, but I am not ready for you to have it yet.

You nurse well and I think there is enough milk, but you pinch

at my breasts and jesus it hurts- i hold your little fingers away,

preventing the pain

you move like an inchworm, when you want to move or get away

that is the best way I can put it- squnching down or back.

You practice trying to sit up all day long, pointing your toes up

toward the sky and doing a mini situp- trying to get there, but not yet.

In the morning, after talking and smooching and cuddling in the big bed,

you are happy alone in your exersaucer for 15 minutes or so,

chewing on and pulling at the colorful, musical toys encircling you.

Suddenly you want to grasp at everything! Reach and grasp

and such delight at the connecting with objects.

you are my boy- gray blue hazel eyes and expressive brows,

you are becoming more you every day and I am so lucky to see it all...

today

So I wake up today, ready for a busy one. It is Thursday, the day of the week I work from home- when rachel is here with the kids and I work out of the office. The last two weeks have gone really well. However, Rachel has a bad cold- (which she assured me came from the kids) and after assuring me yesterday that she would be here today- she emailed this morning stating she would not be coming. Okay, deep breath. Now, if she had told me yesterday she was going to cancel- I most likely would have driven to Oxnard with kiddies in tow and worked out of my mom's office all day. There was no way this morning I was going to pack everybody up, hit the traffic on the 23 freeway, and spend six hours working out of my mother's insanely messy office space. So, I decided I would just proceed with the day- work the best I could, watch the kids as best I could and well, make the best of the situation.

So, it all starts out smoothly enough- launch the laptop and connect to the network no problem. a relief. Honeydew and oatmeal with raisins for sophie. We get her dressed and teeth brushed and plunk her down for 2 episodes of the little einsteins and one of the higglytown heroes. Okay, 90 minutes of tv back to back much too excessive, yes, but I had to nurse the baby and get him down for his morning nap- and when he fell asleep, wade through a day of emails I had missed. Okay, on track. wipe out and fill up water table on the patio for sophie- it was an amazingly beautiful clear and calm day out there- an absolute crime we could not be hanging out at the park for hours. Baby wakes up after an hour- I tend to him, drop him in the exersaucer for a bit- check on sophie. She is stripped down naked and sitting in the water table playing with small plastic items made in china. It is all good. I give her some sidewalk chalk and she starts making scribbles and swirls in the wet patches on the concrete- Alex and I soaking in the sun and some vitamin D for good health. I ask Sophie to draw a triangle to which she answers 'I can't!' - the new phrase that makes me just beam with gratitude. Not. I toggle back and forth between the kids and email. It is all working.

Darren the plumber shows up an hour late at 10. The good part is that he is only working til 1:30. The bad news is he is still making big noise with big tools in the new office's guest bathroom, and has his radio on outside set to a classic rock station. pink floyd and the rolling stones and the steve miller band, all bringing me back to high school with the exception of the nirvana songs that I think would have Kurt Cobain turning in his grave (if his body is in fact in a grave) I am now stepping over an extension cord to make my way close enough to stab out emails to my girl on the production team at NBC home base in Universal City. Have dressed Sophie for now the third time with warnings to keep her clothes on since she has a bad cold and her hands and feet are quite chilled from playing in the cool water outside. Resourceful little thing- I tell her I need to work and she heads to her room for her Toddler Tunes cd (simply awful) and to peruse her 426 books that are in rotation. Alex bops from toddler rocker, to playmat, from back to tummy, to booby to nap- I am really impressed with how the day is going actually. But the noise is starting to get to me- thank God alex is sleeping through it and that the big sounds are sporadic and don't last too long.

Lunch- I prepped a plate in the morning while sophie was watching the tube. Smart move- she is having pieces of chicken breast from yesterday's dinner with bacon ranch dressing for dipping, (ick) cheddar cheese, avocado, and red grapes. We read one of her favorite books, "the boy under the bed" as I fork the bright colored food into her mouth. Animal crackers and diluted apple juice for dessert. I put her out in the swing and give her a few big pushes- and come back inside to check the computer- this goes on for 15 minutes. baby wakes as if on cue as soon as she is done and wants to come in. checking email- features are being built and I am checking to see how they are coming along.

Darren leaves with a hefty check at 1:30 and I am relieved he is gone. Sophie has pulled out her crayons and paper for drawing, and is giving one of her animals a check up with her doctor kit.

Alex is hanging out with me in the office - we talk and he sits on my lap as I type reply emails. About 3pm- time for a sophie snack. I offer apples and peanut butter and she accepts. I cut up half an apple, and add a big dollop of organic peanut butter to her well worn pink plastic IKEA plate. and leave to return to the computer- alex practicing rolling onto his side on his playmat. I come back to check on her, and here is the highlight of my day. She has eaten most of the apple and spread most of the peanut butter onto her face. It is slathered on her arms up to her short sleeves, in her eyebrows and she is about to put her hands in her hair. I stop her from doing the last and grab my camera. I can't help it- this is the poetry of childhood- the cream of the crop photos you show the someday fiance while wearing a proud and cheeky grin.

After this the day starts to wear down. I have half a mug of coffee at 3:30- I am needing a lift for sure. Alex goes down for his third one-hour nap of the day and I get Sophie in the tub at about 4ish. No big drama, got the hair washed, got the hands and feet and the privates- out of the tub into the blue elephant bath wrap, a quick rubdown with Cetaphil lotion and I bundle her up into a one piece sweatsuit with an alligator on the front. baby is up- this guy is good!

The rest is a blur- I make a TV dinner for myself at 5:45, starving, give sophie the leftover oatmeal from the morning. As I am trying to sign out of work, my daughter starts climbing on me, insisting on being on my lap, and pulling on my beloved necklace from Geoffrey. I tell her, I am just finishing up! But of course, because she had no nap, (nothing to tire her out in order to have a nap) she breaks down in tears and it all becomes physical. Thank God she did as well as she did all day. I am kind've in awe actually. We clean up the playroom together- an amazing new feat that has happened three times now in the last week or so. I give her cheddar melted on a whole wheat tortilla and half a banana while reading 'Curious George goes to the hospital' - we only get halfway through because Alexander is fussy on my lap and has had enough. Jammies on at 8- diaper on, teeth brushed during a story telling of the happenings at Creative Leap- an indoor play place we go to sometimes. I find lately that the more conflict I speak of - between children I mean, at the playplace - the longer her jaw hangs slack and the cleaner her teeth get.

A quick story in the rocking chair - Eric Carle's 'Does a kangaroo have a mother too?' and then an I spy book, but we only get to the second page as Alex starts complaining in the crib, bored by the classical song banter coming from his slow moving mobile. That Alex just goes from my body, to container, to my body, to container, and on. crib, bassinet, swing, playmat, exersaucer, toddler rocker, changing table, bumbo seat. It is pretty crazy how many waiting stations the guy has. Well, I need to take care of his sister too, sometimes we all have to wait.

Get Sophie in bed with Alex on my lap and read one more short baby einstein book, put on the vicks vaporizor, and the nature sounds cd that she has heard since she was in the womb. Shut out the lights and sit with her for a few minutes, alex bobbing on my lap. Dad rolls in - 8:15 or so. He went for his second visit to the Murikami exhibit at Moca as it closes down this week. Gives sophie a cute little plush creature in the dark as i sit, ruminating. I just got her all down to sleep and here he comes at bedtime revving her up. It is okay though- he takes over and sits with her for a while, I nurse Alex to sleep in the rocker. Geoff eats some unnameable takeout in front of the TV and collapses on the guest bed. And here am I- recounting my day. All my lovely loved ones asleep in their beds. Another day, albeit a busy, odd one, down...

struggling...

Well- two weeks under my belt as far as being back at work. The first day was tough- I called home at noon and Alex had been hysterical crying since I had left. His two front bottom teeth had started to break through two days earlier, and he was rightly upset. Pain and tenderness in his mouth and no mommy in sight. I packed up the laptop and the breast pump and came home to work the rest of the day from of the house. Fortunately, when I got home the baby had finally taken a bottle- a full one, and had worn himself out with the crying- he took a 3 hour nap, so that was a relief. Other than that no particular worries about home- I am having faith that things are going well with the nanny, Rachel when I am not here. I have just been dealing with weird network/connectivity problems from home that have been making me a little batty- but I think they are resolved now. I should be good to go in my one day per week at the office, and work one day from home. On Fridays I get 3 hours for myself- the first week I went and saw the movie, Atonement, and yesterday I went out to an upscale mall about 25 minutes from my house. I bought these special slippers for the kids- and then a new pair of jeans from the Gap for myself. Woo hoooo! I think I have not bought clothing for myself since before I got pregnant with Sophie (except maternity clothes of course.) All my stuff looks so worn and awful- jeans just sliding down my hips. What is encouraging is that I am actually six pounds lighter than when I got pregnant with Alexander and hope to lose more; the nursing is good stuff for taking the weight off. The honest truth is that most of the time it is hard to even get food into my face without one of them needing something... However I am still managing to wolf down warm cookies at night before bed, my weakness, vice, comfort...

The Friday time is such a good thing- even after just two weeks- I can tell it is worth every dime to just have time for myself. Getting into my car and blasting some of my music, rolling down the window and just tuning out everything. My body is achy from carrying Alex so much- he is almost 17 lbs- and it is a relief to just not be lugging him for a few hours. The work days too- they are good for my mental and physical health. It is nice to have a balance. My boss, Josie, is pregnant and asked if I would be willing to come back full time during her maternity leave- I am assuming to take over her position! Can you imagine? I mean, I said no because of the kids, but for her to think I could just jump into her title/role- director of web production is just wacky. I mean, I think I have the managerial skills, but my technical knowledge is just so far behind...

Anyway- the home life is just so tense right now. Hubby is in such a bad way- nervous about getting laid off from his job, his back in pain pretty regularly, looking around at this unfinished house of ours that still needs so much work. And the truth is- the biggest strain of all is just myself and Sophie and Alex being here. We live here, we are here a lot. They play, things get messy. I try my best to stay ahead of the game - I really do - I struggle every day to housekeep and never stop picking and wiping up- putting away discarded socks/dolls/crayons/stuffed animals/plastic figurines/polished stones. The mail piles up- the stuff to keep- and we have nowhere at the moment to really put it (working on that one via Ikea ideas.) The train table gets loaded up with stuff and I try to get it cleared but it just doesn't all get done. A couple of days ago Alex was in the exersaucer, Sophie playing with something and bam I vacuumed all 3 bedrooms in record time. Stayed up til 11 the night before - I had refused to surrender to the night until the kitchen floor had been mopped. I just could not go another day with it so sticky and yucky. Grocery shopping, laundry, trying to cook two dinners per week if I can pull it off, do bills, give baths, feed, clothe, read! It is a lot, and I am struggling because although Geoff is really trying his best he is in such rough emotional shape that he is barely hanging on. Honestly. Everything sends him over the edge- he can't get a handle on the simplest personal issues to manage because the house is just too busy with all four of us here. The crazy thing is that I don't ask much of him at all! Reading Sophie stories at bedtime, maybe holding Alex for a while in the evening so that I can get a couple of minor things done. It is merely our presence and volume that makes Geoff feel overwhelmed. I have never known him to be this low, in such a dark, dark place and it is scary. I need him back. I need my husband back. I know he does not find joy in this family- it seems to cause him only chaos and the moments of happiness are just thin streaks of instances of laughter here and there that he shares with his daughter. I know that Geoff loves us all- but we are his burden, plain and simple.

There is a pending appointment with a psychiatrist in two weeks. Geoff needs medication for depression- I know it and he knows it. Each day is getting worse and he really needs help. Help to show him that his life is good. To remind him that he has a house with a pool he designed himself, a wife and beautiful healthy children who love him, a brand new zippy car in the garage, the 42 inch plasma in the living room. There is a lot to be grateful for- but he is so stuck in this negative conversation with himself about the life that is gone- the live shows, drugs, girls, carelessness, depravity, the fruits of his youth. He just cannot accept that all of that is gone and that what he has now in any way brings him the happiness that used to define him. It breaks my heart. I love this man- he wanted to have a family with me. And now here we are and he feels like he is serving a prison sentence. He won't even discuss divorce though I have brought it up. I think it is that he needs to fight his demons head on to try to work through this- to be able to perceive his life through a clearer lense. At a time when I have more meaning in my life than I ever have, he has the least- how can that be?? I am not saying that I am flooded with joy at every moment, but when I hold my girl and my boy and I see what amazing small people they are I am astounded and so complete with feeling unconditional love for them. They are the best thing I have ever done, by far. This situation with Geoff is sucking the pure feelings from me- his pain is wearing me out, coloring my experiences that should be the cleanest I ever have. The time when your children are this age is supposed to be the best time of your life. The best! And I am trying to hang onto that and live in that truth- be in the moment when Sophie races across a grassy park, bolting like a young pony, her glossy mane bobbing in the wind as she tosses her head back and forth. When Alex is reaching out with cool, drooly hands for my fingers and dragging them into his mouth to gnaw on- when he give me big wet open mouthed kisses on the tip of my nose and jawline. I revel in their smiles, laugh at their 'bumpers' ("There is a sea captain in your bottom trying to get out!") I ache that my partner, the love of my life, the man that I have shared so many special moments with is missing this. That he cannot connect with this language I share with them- I ache for him and myself. How can he feel so lost when we are so completely found by these two people - these children who we are their whole world? This parenting adventure requires a sense of humor, a grand faith that all will be alright with their health and well-being while keeping close watch, a buoyancy of spirit, a strong back and backbone, patience, resilience, reserves of kindness and selflessness. It takes a lot! It takes more every day and I know how hard it is to pull that out and try to be the best person you can for the sake of your family. I am just so disappointed. I thought that Geoff would be such a good father, even though he himself did not have a good role model- that he would shine as a dad and there are moments of clarity and calm, but they are only moments. The hours are filled with having to step out and smoke a cigarette in order to not lose it. The weekends are filled with sullen silences and negativity- until the kids and myself leave and go out- get out to leave that damp chill behind- to go bask in the sunny dispositions of female relatives and beachside swingsets. Today I was frantic to leave. Normally Geoff and Sophie share a special Saturday morning activity- either art class or music class- then they stop at starbucks before they get home. This marks their special time together for the week and they both do enjoy it - thank god. Today's class was cancelled which I only found out yesterday, and so today I was like, jesus, we need to get out of here! We shared a wonderful day in Santa Monica with sister Karen- a windy cool day at the park near the airport, caramel milk at Starbucks and a new pair of toddler Vans for Soph- size 7 and a half. Tomorrow will be out to my mom's house for more park time and fawning over my fast growing, second born love boy. The weekends here are torturous which is why we escape- when Monday returns the house is ours again- to mess up, to watch the little einsteins in, for Sophie to grab sippy cups to play with in Alex's bath water in the kitchen sink after he has been cleaned up, to snort and laugh and make each other crazy.

My life has this insane polarity. (From dictionary.com- 2. the presence or manifestation of two opposite or contrasting principles or tendencies.) Nameless adoration and devotion for these human creatures I carried in my body, and complete alienation coupled with solid fear of losing this life I have built with this man I married 8 months shy of 10 years ago. I need him in so many ways and still love him as I did when we were babies ourselves, 22 and 23 years old. We were so carefree then, smoking cigarettes, hanging out at Topanga Days, me in long pale pink hippie skirts, Geoff tan from hours in the community pool, thin and spending hours playing the guitar, waiting tables. That couldn't last forever- we had to grow up. I would never have been happy still living that life. I don't understand how he can pine for it in such an idealistic way- we were broke and renting crappy apartments/guest houses, no money for travel, and just getting by. It was lean and scrappy and there were very few choices save which day of the music festival should we go to?? Don't get me wrong- it was wonderful in so many ways- big, passionate kisses, lots of candles burning into the night, poetry and songs, bars and shows. But all of that was finite- I mean, that didn't last beyond our mid to late twenties for christ's sake!

baby has awoken- time to nurse him back to sleep...