Returning to work...

It is a rainy January afternoon- Sophie is already up at her grammy's house in Oxnard, Alexander is sleeping fitfully on my torso as I write this; snuggly in a 6 month sized red, fuzzy sleeper. I have been trying to get a lot done today but pretty much all for naught - Alex's two bottom teeth have broken through the gumline, and he just wants to be held. I did manage to clean out the fridge and wipe down the shelves, organize the freezer and run the dishwasher. I also purged out maternity clothes and old ratty stuff that has been uselessly occupying my dresser drawers for the last four months or longer. I took that, plus a bag of 3-6 month sleepers, the hard, plastic blue baby tub and nursing stool (that never got used) down to the salvation army to donate. Blissfully, baby fell asleep in his carseat and stayed that way for a grocery shopping mission. So I guess I have accomplished some things- but when I get home and see that the surface of Sophie's train table is still a disaster- that I badly need to do mine and Geoff's laundry, that the counters are mildly cluttered, it makes me feel that life is just chaotic and I can't get things under control. It is a quiet conversation in my head today- not roaring in frustration causing feelings of housekeeping inadequacy. More a mild annoyance that I won't give much energy too. I need to go clean up and pack up the breast pump to bring to work tomorrow. In the forecasted rain, I get to tote it, along with my laptop and lunch halfway across the Universal lot after descending six floors of the parking tower.

And so, back to nbcuni.com. My workplace for close to 10 years now- as crazy as that seems. I started in 1999, and worked full-time until January of 2006, when I became a part-time freelancer producer. It is a good gig- good money. Back when I started the part-time thing, I did a lot of the production work myself for The Biggest Loser show website, but now it is mostly managing the different aspects of the site via email. I wasn't sure if I was going to return after Alexander was born, but hey, life is expensive and we really do need the money. Fortunately, with my pay rate, I was able to secure a part-time nanny to come and work out of the house. I myself only need to be in the office one full day per week- work another full day from home. To start out, Rachel the nanny, will have only Alex on Tuesdays when I am gone. This way they get to learn each other without the distraction of Sophie. My girl demands a fair amount of attention and I am afraid of Alex being second to her - he needs to come first. Sophie is an established little person, potty trained, well spoken, asks for what she wants or needs. Alex however just wants to cuddle and be talked to, and to flirt back with whatever female is currently fawning over him. It is tough to manage both of them, as their mom- so this way Rachel has time to just figure out what Alex's patterns are, learn his cries and bond with him for a while.

Things are mostly good right now. Sophie seems to be having some power issues. She wants everything her way and must be feeling as though she has very little control. Her sharing toys capabilities is low right now, and she has pushed/shoved, albeit gently, a couple of her playmates with her upper body to move over. I am not sure if it is the attention sharing with Alexander, the nanny coming into our world, or feeling insecure? She is whining a lot and I just refuse to put up with it. I feel like I am being fairly hard on her but I think it is a fine line between being 'firm but kind' and tolerating an obnoxious toddler for most of the day. I think I am having the first of "mommy guilt" as they say-feeling like she is slipping through the cracks a bit, unsure of how to help her. Last week, Rachel's second week in training, Soph and I had two outings alone, just the two of us without Alex- one to the park and the other to the Noah's Ark exhibit with our pals Gail and Kaity. Both were fun, and at the second outing I relished being able to pick her up on the way back to the car and just carry her for a while- my first baby back in my arms. I think she enjoyed it too- that she is feeling displaced, though she adores her brother. We struggle, that girl is my heart- she feels as if she is a part of my spine, my brain. So much love and bond, mother and daughter- we have a long road ahead of us.

I am feeling mostly good about going back to work tomorrow- the balance will be good- as will the extra money and contact with more adults. I just wish Alex's teeth had waited a couple of more weeks to come through so that he won't be so cranky and fussy tomorrow. It will be a long day for Rachel with the two of them on their own for nine hours. I will keep my fingers crossed that we all do okay...

Alexander - 3 months

How I have been yearning to just sit down and write about my little boy. He is growing so quickly- 3 days shy of his 3 month birthday, on a cold and windy day he went in for his first vaccination. The nurse weighed him to see how much Tylenol to give him- he weighed 15lbs 10oz to my absolute shock. (Sophie weighed 12lbs at 3 months) At his 2 month he was 13lbs 8oz, so that means he is gaining 2 pounds per month! Of course I am wondering how long I can lug him around in the bjorn- it seems like that time will end soon unless he slows down.

He gazes at me with blue eyes as if he could hold my stare forever, smiling open mouthed and making a winking motion with his left eye. Loving him is just so easy, like eating caramel ice cream at the end of a long summer day. He has chubby thighs that I give raspberries too- neat little ears and brown, fluffy duckling hair with a natural part and slight wave in the center. He talks most in the morning- sounding out oh's and waiting for approval- we banter and I bend his knees up and down, motorboat.

My second baby- how much easier this time, feeling the mothering instinct kick in, supporting his neck in the early weeks and listening for the different kinds of cries to see what he needs. I have reveled in snuggling with him, wrapping my body around his and keeping him warm is one of the most ancient feelings of womanhood, I think. Protecting him from the elements and listening to him breathe. I have such a closer physical bond with him than I did with Sophie just from breastfeeding I think. If the house is quiet, he will nap on his own, but most morning naps are spent up over my should or nestled in my lap, as his little sister buzzes around the room endlessly moving. Carseat naps have been a blessing- he has a little insert called a snuzzler- a fuzzy furry pillowy thing that holds him in tight and keeps him asleep once he has reached the land of nod. Sophie and I have had some fun trips to Tiny Town where I can play with her while keeping one eye on his carseat in the corner- baby snoozing away.

Somehow, with nursing, he is truly mine. Sophie could and would take a bottle from anyone, Geoff, Karen, mom- but this little one has accepted food only from me, up until a week ago. Suddenly at 3 months he has decided that taking a bottle is okay- after many failed attempts, where he would simply play with the plastic nipple in his mouth, and look at me, confounded and slightly disgusted- knowing the ruse, he has changed his mind. He grabbed at the bottle yesterday, sucking hard, I watch his eyes glaze over as the milk easily pours down his throat- the quick fix.

He now has two playmats and enjoys them both- batting at the red, black and white objects and the silly plastic insects that make music when pulled. He drools constantly and often has his fist shoved into his mouth to be gnawed on- again, preferring organic material to soft plastic rubbery pretzels. He does not like tummy time, and yet is getting stronger as a result. He pulls his legs up under him practicing what crawling will be like. At 10 weeks old, at Bee Canyon park, he rolled from his back to his front. Granted, the ground was slightly sloped, but still pretty impressive. He likes to see his sister, yet gets confused when she comes in so close to his face. I tell Sophie, 'easy, not so close. He can't see you if you are in too close.' But she pays me no mind and guffaws at him, smiling at her little brother. I know that the transition has been hard for her, but I see that she adores him. It is the changes in me, in Geoff, in our routine that she has to contend with, never Alex himself.

He has started to enjoy reading. One of my favorite moments in the day is having one child on each leg of my lap in the rocker and reading simple, boldly illustrated books like "Polar bear Polar Bear What Do you Hear?" by Eric Carle, "On the Day you were born" and Dr. Seuss' "They Eye Book" - that was Alex's favorite from early on, those huge pink and blue eyes staring out at him from the pages.

He has pretty much outgrown his 3-6 month sleepers, but tops and bottoms still fit in that age range, thank goodness. I am trying to use up the rest of the size 1 diapers from the big box I bought, but he is very ready for size 2- soon to be 3 I think. He kicks his little legs up and down in the bouncer and enjoys visits from Peanuts the Panda - a pluffy - on his lap while there. The swing has not been much fun, but he seems to like it a little better lately. It is like the first 3 months of their life is the fourth trimester- just wanting to eat and sleep and be cuddled. And then miraculously, there are things beyond the boob that beckon, voices and colors and shapes and toys. He smiles at his dad now and they talk a bit here and there, but he definitely is still a 'mama's boy' if you will.

It is so much work with two, and I know the year ahead will be even harder once Alex is mobile and crawling around. My friend Maribeth told me that at about 6 months it all changes, and that as a mom you need to have eyes in the back of your head to make sure everyone is okay. Nights are hardest, when both need things- teeth brushing, nursing, jammies, reading, changing diapers- getting them both down. When they are both asleep and tucked in I can shower, or eat something sweet and sugary that keeps the pregnancy weight on me, or talk to Geoff about menial issues before collapsing into the big bed- lulled by the dimly lit red or dark pink little slug nightlights that adorn my bedside table.

I am happy, I am fulfilled being a mother and yet there are the hard days. Long ones when Sophie will not cooperate and I feel myself quickening to anger and impatience, trying to keep my cool. Today we had friends come over, April and her two daughters Leeah and Rebecca. Toward the end of the playdate, we discovered crayon marks on the carpet in Sophie's room. Washable- all drawing utensils in this house are washable- and so out came the little green machine and sucked it all away after they left. I don't want to be a 'helicopter parent' and so crayon on carpet is bound to happen. I tried not to admonish Sophie but to just explain simply that crayon belongs on paper. She said she would not do it again- somehow that is tough to believe...

It is a cold and rainy day- so welcome to me in this dry valley basin we live in. My little ones are snuggled in for naps, and I normally would be sleeping right along with them, but today I wanted to stay awake to write- writing last night's entry had been so satisfying. Maybe a splash of coffee to keep me going through the evening...

Tomorrow we are going to do a trial class of Kindermusik in Studio City, and then the 3 of us will go to Oxnard to spend the weekend with my mom and grammy. Geoffrey has been so difficult lately, and I want to be where I am wanted, where I can relax and enjoy my children, and not worrying about his emotional state which is invariably unhappy by the end of the weekend if we are here. I am sad that he cannot enjoy his life more, our children, our marriage. It is all just a chore for him, another day to get through. I know that it is hard, but for me at least there are pristine moments of joy and clarity- in Sophie's hearty chuckle and gallop around the house, in Alex's firsts and gasps of delight. I adore my babies and would not trade this time for anything...

stuck

The winter holidays have come and gone- Santa was very good to us and we had wonderful family visits, friends coming by and lots of yummy food. The new year is here-2008! After Christmas, and the cleanup I felt pretty exhausted- so much buildup to the holiday and then the climax and boom. back down into the normal- which is fine. It is just that somehow the whole thing took a lot of energy. Our mommy and me class has been off for three weeks- Sophie's tinker classes have ended and so we are in a bit of a lull here and trying to fill in the days a bit.

After a restless day at home yesterday, I was determined to get us out for Sophie to get exercise. It is so key to her happiness to be able to run around and climb each day. The last month has been very windy and most days the park is out of the question. The rain was supposed to start today- so we headed out to one of our indoor play places, Creative Leap. Normally it is fairly quiet in there when we go- anywhere from 5 to 10 kids running around. We walk in today, Alex in the bjorn, and it is mayhem. School is still out this week apparently and the place is just madness. It is actually looking past its capacity- but I don't think the employees they hire for 4 dollars per hour are noticing. My instinct is telling me to leave, but of course, we can't - Sophie already has her shoes off and has sprinted into the crowd. I pay her dues and find a solitary chair in the snack area to pull up and watch her climb into the massive structure they have. It has platforms and 2 giant slides and this orange tube/tunnel on a great incline for my little climber monkey. The last time we visited, Sophie hooked up with a 3 year old, Vivian and they made a route together- pulling themselves up these platforms by the net sidewalls, scaling the orange tube and walking to the giant swirling red slide- sliding down and doing it all over again. Like eight times- talk about a good workout, they both had a ball.

Today she goes up once and down the slide and takes off for various other interesting spots, a couple of minutes in the bouncy house, a visit to the painted dinosaur wall, climbing up the tower of cushioned blocks in the center of the room. But it is crazy busy, and she knows it- the place is teeming with kids and it is hard to do anything. Back to the platforms and up to the orange tube. And there it all stops somehow. She figuratively gets stuck. Kids are going up and coming down. She tries scaling it and almost gets to the top when two bigger girls come through the hole - she turns around and back to the bottom. She is staring at me through the clear plexiglass talking to me. I am telling her and smiling- 'climb to the slide bean!' It is not working, she appears semi-frozen. After about 10 minutes of me wondering if this is going to end and Sophie deciding that she will not move from her spot, she begins crying- red faced and screaming, I can see the panic in her face. Christ. Alex is sleeping on me, there is a table of eight women next to me eating takeout sushi. Oh man- three other women suddenly rush up to me- one offered to go climb up and get her, actually two did. I asked the third a kindly looking woman 40ish or so if she would hold Alex while I went for the rescue. Of course, she took him gladly.

I climb up there and retreive my unwilling child. She is having a full meltdown, kicking and screaming and will not come with me so I drag her out, trying to stay calm. It is loud up there, the kids' voices and screams reverberating through the orange tunnel. I can see how she stopped in her tracks- it feels overwhelming and sort've like a fishbowl staring out at all the craziness below.

We get to the bottom and I gratefully ask the mother holding Alex to continue to do so while I take sophie to the quietest corner I can find- next to the bouncy house in an assortment of oversized foam legos. She will not be quieted- she is in hysterics. I offer a sippy, a snack, to go home? None of these options are even slightly appealing to change her outlook. I go and get Alex back. I love the village, how the moms swoop in to help. She starts to calm slightly and grabs a ball, climbs the cushiony blocks but is stopped by other kids coming over the top like soldiers at war. The tears start again, and a small round cut, between her eyebrows that showed up yesterday starts to bleed again - that is it - I pull out the big guns.

"Let's go get a kid ice cream cone at Old McDonalds." And with that we begin our exit. Note to self: check when school is back in session before venturing to indoor play place.