How I have been yearning to just sit down and write about my little boy. He is growing so quickly- 3 days shy of his 3 month birthday, on a cold and windy day he went in for his first vaccination. The nurse weighed him to see how much Tylenol to give him- he weighed 15lbs 10oz to my absolute shock. (Sophie weighed 12lbs at 3 months) At his 2 month he was 13lbs 8oz, so that means he is gaining 2 pounds per month! Of course I am wondering how long I can lug him around in the bjorn- it seems like that time will end soon unless he slows down.
He gazes at me with blue eyes as if he could hold my stare forever, smiling open mouthed and making a winking motion with his left eye. Loving him is just so easy, like eating caramel ice cream at the end of a long summer day. He has chubby thighs that I give raspberries too- neat little ears and brown, fluffy duckling hair with a natural part and slight wave in the center. He talks most in the morning- sounding out oh's and waiting for approval- we banter and I bend his knees up and down, motorboat.
My second baby- how much easier this time, feeling the mothering instinct kick in, supporting his neck in the early weeks and listening for the different kinds of cries to see what he needs. I have reveled in snuggling with him, wrapping my body around his and keeping him warm is one of the most ancient feelings of womanhood, I think. Protecting him from the elements and listening to him breathe. I have such a closer physical bond with him than I did with Sophie just from breastfeeding I think. If the house is quiet, he will nap on his own, but most morning naps are spent up over my should or nestled in my lap, as his little sister buzzes around the room endlessly moving. Carseat naps have been a blessing- he has a little insert called a snuzzler- a fuzzy furry pillowy thing that holds him in tight and keeps him asleep once he has reached the land of nod. Sophie and I have had some fun trips to Tiny Town where I can play with her while keeping one eye on his carseat in the corner- baby snoozing away.
Somehow, with nursing, he is truly mine. Sophie could and would take a bottle from anyone, Geoff, Karen, mom- but this little one has accepted food only from me, up until a week ago. Suddenly at 3 months he has decided that taking a bottle is okay- after many failed attempts, where he would simply play with the plastic nipple in his mouth, and look at me, confounded and slightly disgusted- knowing the ruse, he has changed his mind. He grabbed at the bottle yesterday, sucking hard, I watch his eyes glaze over as the milk easily pours down his throat- the quick fix.
He now has two playmats and enjoys them both- batting at the red, black and white objects and the silly plastic insects that make music when pulled. He drools constantly and often has his fist shoved into his mouth to be gnawed on- again, preferring organic material to soft plastic rubbery pretzels. He does not like tummy time, and yet is getting stronger as a result. He pulls his legs up under him practicing what crawling will be like. At 10 weeks old, at Bee Canyon park, he rolled from his back to his front. Granted, the ground was slightly sloped, but still pretty impressive. He likes to see his sister, yet gets confused when she comes in so close to his face. I tell Sophie, 'easy, not so close. He can't see you if you are in too close.' But she pays me no mind and guffaws at him, smiling at her little brother. I know that the transition has been hard for her, but I see that she adores him. It is the changes in me, in Geoff, in our routine that she has to contend with, never Alex himself.
He has started to enjoy reading. One of my favorite moments in the day is having one child on each leg of my lap in the rocker and reading simple, boldly illustrated books like "Polar bear Polar Bear What Do you Hear?" by Eric Carle, "On the Day you were born" and Dr. Seuss' "They Eye Book" - that was Alex's favorite from early on, those huge pink and blue eyes staring out at him from the pages.
He has pretty much outgrown his 3-6 month sleepers, but tops and bottoms still fit in that age range, thank goodness. I am trying to use up the rest of the size 1 diapers from the big box I bought, but he is very ready for size 2- soon to be 3 I think. He kicks his little legs up and down in the bouncer and enjoys visits from Peanuts the Panda - a pluffy - on his lap while there. The swing has not been much fun, but he seems to like it a little better lately. It is like the first 3 months of their life is the fourth trimester- just wanting to eat and sleep and be cuddled. And then miraculously, there are things beyond the boob that beckon, voices and colors and shapes and toys. He smiles at his dad now and they talk a bit here and there, but he definitely is still a 'mama's boy' if you will.
It is so much work with two, and I know the year ahead will be even harder once Alex is mobile and crawling around. My friend Maribeth told me that at about 6 months it all changes, and that as a mom you need to have eyes in the back of your head to make sure everyone is okay. Nights are hardest, when both need things- teeth brushing, nursing, jammies, reading, changing diapers- getting them both down. When they are both asleep and tucked in I can shower, or eat something sweet and sugary that keeps the pregnancy weight on me, or talk to Geoff about menial issues before collapsing into the big bed- lulled by the dimly lit red or dark pink little slug nightlights that adorn my bedside table.
I am happy, I am fulfilled being a mother and yet there are the hard days. Long ones when Sophie will not cooperate and I feel myself quickening to anger and impatience, trying to keep my cool. Today we had friends come over, April and her two daughters Leeah and Rebecca. Toward the end of the playdate, we discovered crayon marks on the carpet in Sophie's room. Washable- all drawing utensils in this house are washable- and so out came the little green machine and sucked it all away after they left. I don't want to be a 'helicopter parent' and so crayon on carpet is bound to happen. I tried not to admonish Sophie but to just explain simply that crayon belongs on paper. She said she would not do it again- somehow that is tough to believe...
It is a cold and rainy day- so welcome to me in this dry valley basin we live in. My little ones are snuggled in for naps, and I normally would be sleeping right along with them, but today I wanted to stay awake to write- writing last night's entry had been so satisfying. Maybe a splash of coffee to keep me going through the evening...
Tomorrow we are going to do a trial class of Kindermusik in Studio City, and then the 3 of us will go to Oxnard to spend the weekend with my mom and grammy. Geoffrey has been so difficult lately, and I want to be where I am wanted, where I can relax and enjoy my children, and not worrying about his emotional state which is invariably unhappy by the end of the weekend if we are here. I am sad that he cannot enjoy his life more, our children, our marriage. It is all just a chore for him, another day to get through. I know that it is hard, but for me at least there are pristine moments of joy and clarity- in Sophie's hearty chuckle and gallop around the house, in Alex's firsts and gasps of delight. I adore my babies and would not trade this time for anything...
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