Sick

Here it is year's end already - 2010 is just a couple of days away. I am disappointed I have not created an entry for this blog to keep up with all the zillions of changes that happen with young children- particularly Alex. I will start there...

My darling son! I love you more every day- he has started to say this back to me now. When he turned two his language really changed- short phrases began, and now he strings together 5 or 6 words sometimes. About a week and half ago he got his varivax shot- the immunization for varicella- and 5 days later he started running a fever. He also had an awful croup cough- and on a mild fever only day I gave him the steroid dose for his vocal chords (that he had once before with no reaction to) and completely lost his mind. Kicking, screaming 'mommy!' and over and over. He had some drool coming out of his mouth and was in just total hysterics. After 30 minutes of this I took him to the emergency room. Thank god nothing major came of it- he calmed after a time- got a big dose of Tylenol in his bum and a nebulizer treatment to locally treat his throat. I am still aching from carrying him around for almost 3 hours that night. I have slept in his bed the last 5 nights since he has been sick- we have been attached like glue. This is seriously wearing me out at this point. Sophie too is getting over a major cold/virus and has an ear infection. I am trying to let her system work it out, but I do have the cefdinir antibiotic at home to start, which will probably happen tonight I am thinking.

Geoffrey - in October he started doing the nutrisystem diet and lost about 15 pounds. In the beginning of November he went to the ER for chest pain. They diagnosed him with an ulcer- when in fact he had stones in his gall bladder. On November 11th he had his gallbladder and appendix removed, and a hernia in his belly treated as well. 5 weeks later, he had two additional hernias operated on near his scrotum- 4 days before Christmas. It has been a week of Vicodin daze, irregular sleep, missed work and fevered chills. The surgeon, Dr. Supple sent him for bloodwork yesterday to make sure he does not have an infection.

And me? I am just trying to soldier through. Just got over my own third cold/virus for the season- it has been a doozy of a cold season for us. But I am grateful no flu- H1N1 or otherwise.

Back to the kids. By the end of the summer Alex was actually swimming! Enjoying jumping in- 'jump and swim' as we called it. We stopped having the bottle at all when he turned two- it was definitely time. At that point we started cuddling It has been an exciting fall for Alex- he is very attached to Jessica, our nanny- and they have been enjoying a mommy and me class together at the YMCA, and for the last 3 months or so a my-gym class on Tuesday mornings. I take him to another parent/tot class at the Rinaldi school with teacher Valerie- he enjoys that too. His second birthday was very lowkey- just our immediate family - some presents and messy cake. It was very low pressure for me and he of course, did not know the difference. Sophie is in room 10 this year at the weekday preschool. Her teachers are Reeta and Debbie- she definitely prefers Reeta and loves going to school. She has been practicing writing her name- and is still crazy for puzzles and her grammy. She and I had a special event/date in mid-December to see 'The Princess and the Frog' - the new Disney movie at Walt Disney Studios in Burbank. It was wonderful- her first film in a theater- and afterward we got to visit with all of the princesses and had yummy cupcakes. What a great memory- I took tons of photos. It was really special.


Sophie this past fall did a lot of YMCA classes, including ballet, tumbling and a sports class- but with the illness and some general afternoon crankiness that has gotten scaled back a bit. Ballet is off the list, she doesn't seem to enjoy it anymore. She and I had a great time at Mickey's trick or treat party- and we also had fun with our 2nd annual halloween kids' party- a lot of the same things- pin the nose on the pumpkin, spider hunt, crafts and cookie decorating. All the little ones loved it. Alex dressed up as a very swashbuckling pirate and sophie was the little mermaid, Ariel, complete with red wig, hemmed dress and matching shoes. Thanksgiving was good too- we had about 12 people including Ruth and Robert- and decided to do a catered thing- we got food from Gelsons. It was just okay- I think I will just have to be brave and cook that damned turkey next year!

I took both kids to 12 weeks (one morning per week) to an abrakadoodle art class out in simi valley at the rancho santa susana rec center. Our teacher was Ms. Debbie- we read "If you give a moose a paintbrush" series of books and did art projects- lots of painting, some model magic, etc. It was a good Wednesday morning activity to get us out of the house for a while. After we would have snacks and play in the adjoining park area. Somehow it felt a million miles away from the san fernando valley- the sound of trains going by, sunny days with breezes. Both kids have been obsessed with a dvd and cd of music "Field Trip to the Planets" - the cd is in a constant loop in my car- the Disney princess songs have been ousted in favor of this. The two are playing nicely together a lot of the time. She is just so physical and strong, and he loves loves loves affection. So she tousles him and picks him up and for the most part he enjoys it. There is a lot of "NO SOPHIE" however- he is very clear with her about his limits. He called her "Sah-Sah" for the longest time and I finally said, no, her name is "SOH - FEE" and he quickly adopted it. My sister Karen though, he is still calling her "Nah - Nah." Finally attempting to grow out sophie's bangs- a little natural part is starting to show up. Amazing!

As usual- I am overwhelmed with the amount of 'stuff' in our house and life- snack bags, mail, papers, the food in the fridge, the disaster that is Sophie's room - all the time. I am at odds with some of the furniture layout and am trying to resolve that. we tried putting the circular 'zero table' in the kitchen but it just did not work for me. We put the wood, trestle table back yesterday. Alex is going to get Sophie's full size bed and sophie will get a twin size bed so that she has more room for play in her bedroom.

FINALLY! Uncle Brett moved here about a week before Thanksgiving and we are so happy that he is here in LA with us. He has already been a big help with the kids and actually took Geoff to his second surgery in Thousand Oaks. He got a little black BMW, is living in one of Dave's apartments in Los Feliz and got a job as a production assistant for Hell's Kitchen (THANK YOU CYNTHIA) starting in January. We are thrilled for him. Alex just adores his uncle- I am such a strong believer in 'boys need tribes' - men to show them how to be little boys, etc. It is a wonderful thing that he can be an important part of Alex's life.

Down time. The last couple of weeks- with the viruses and all regular activities (school, classes) cancelled, there has been a lot of just being in the house. Normally this is really tough for me but it has been okay- the kids have seemed to need to extra rest, they have had more TV than usual. I think it has been a good period of time to just recharge and take a breath. Our normal life is pretty structured and go, go, go. A pause was definitely needed.

Heard from a very old friend- Barbra Carroll. That has been interesting - finding out how life has been for her the last 19 years!

Having a cookie baking party on the 10th for the little girls. Should be interesting.

I will be back to this blog soon!

summer

is really just speeding by. I turned 39 last week- celebrated with a bike ride on the beach with my sister, and a swim/bbq with family and close friends in the afternoon. just lovely and perfect. I feel grateful with all-- truly nothing to ask for.

It has been so long since I did an entry - I have just not made the time to sit down and write. May was just an exhausted month and I could not seem to feel better- it was weird- not depression or anything, just downright weariness that I could not seem to overcome. June and July were definitely slower and I started to get back some energy and oomph after just scaling it all back a bit - not trying to do too much. I think managing all the aspects of the first few months of the year- the change in the nanny situation, sophie's preschool changing in January, Alex's separation anxieties with Rachel, Geoff still figuring out life with Prozac, Sophie's birthday parties, etc. just really took a toll on me. I am happy to feel that things are rolling now - that the four of us are truly in a rhythm, it is not taking so much effort or emotional energy to have the day go smoothly. The kids know they are loved and they have a good life. I think that makes them calm and trust in us.

The pool is just amazing. June was super cool and gloomy and our swim season did not really start until July. Once the heat really came on we were all very excited. It is such a great family place for all of us to be- the water is such a healing and cooling place it feels like. We swim and frolic, play with toys, have snacks poolside and float around in the foamy bubbles of the warm water in the jacuzzi. It is our little resort really, in our backyard. And it makes both kids such fish! Being in there every day helps them both feel confident in the water for sure.

Sophie had a good summer school session. She shows increasing confidence in all things because of her positive experiences there. We have all been enjoying the pool as expected, and she loves being "ariel"- a mermaid. Adores the Disney princesses, Cinderell and Beauty, also Tinkerbell. It is cute and not too overwhelming. She is growing like a weed- total growth spurt right now though her feet seem to take forever to change sizes. Took her to Leann at Supercuts two weeks ago for her first true short haircut. Such a nice thing to do for the hot weather- easier to manage and she likes it too. We added another YMCA class to her roster once school ended so she now does ballet, tap and tumbling and seems excited to go to all of them. I keep looking for signs of burnout but none so far. She has her little mood swings but the downs seem to have so much to do with her just being tired. Still enjoying her once per week sleepover with her grammy- I think at this point that their time together is such a lift for mom. Gag's alzheimers' is such a downer, Sophie brings some humor and light into the house. She really is a little delight most of the time and seems settled in her world- with us, Jessica, Alex, her things. I have been trying to be more affectionate with her because I think I sometimes overlook giving her the physical love that she needs. Alex is so possessive of me most of the time that I have to sort've break out and just grab her. She is very affectionate herself lately, giving kisses to her brother and I. He too, asks her for 'hugs.'

Alex has been adding words here and there over the last month but finally seems to be making some sort of breakthrough. Not totally sure, but he keeps adding words to his vocabulary. I think he is going to need speech therapy to help him just sound out things better. He knows tons of words but saying them successfully is another story. He and Soph squabble here and there over toys but for the most part they have been getting along famously. She is lovey dovey with him- and gets a little too rough too- which I talked to her about. Who could not just think the little guy is the cat's meow- he is so cute and thinks she is the world, so Sophie eats it up. He was calling her "Zah Zah" for a while which has now evolved into "Sah Sah" so maybe sophie will come in the next month or so. We shall see. He still has a bottle before bed- a big one, and another in the morning so he is actually getting some milk. We gave up the baby food completely probably in early June- he is getting braver about trying new things, some vegetables, and he does eat a lot of fruits. Loves steak! He is an amazing little water guy - actually pushes off from the jacuzzi bench and glides in the water across to the other bench. He is kind've fearless in the pool doing big jumps off the side - "prone glides" and sailing off the steps to swim to me. He is really a natural- blowing bubbles and coming up for air. His hair is still pretty blonde, especially with the summer sun, but I expect in the later fall he will probably start to turn brunette like the rest of us. He too is enjoying a mommy and me class at the Y with nanny Jessica. She is very good with both kids and I feel lucky to have her- I hope it will last but she may move to Kentucky. I hope she will stick out the year she had promised me as both kids respond well to her consistency and boundaries. They both like spending time with her for sure. she is a nice girl...very good heart I think.

The resemblance between Alex and Sophie is really growing. It is trippy to look at their faces side by side when they sit next to each other.

what else- swim lessons on Saturdays at the Burke's house, Soph and mom had their annual trip to the Ventura county fair with Robert, the Stranieres have been out to visit recently and Uncle Brett is FINALLY going to give up the ghost and move west. Thank God. We really maxed out the few months we had to use our Disneyland annual passes before the summer months kicked in. Good times! Went a couple of times just sophie and I, and a couple of other trips with mom and Karen. Really so much fun. I can't wait to return probably in late september. got sophie and I tickets to Mickey's trick or treat party in October. Bring it on!

Both Geoff and I are just too heavy (and really appalled with ourselves and sick of feeling that way) and need to try to change bad habits. I am starting out simple- trying to cut out white flour and sugar for the most part and start moving around more. Other than the weight things feel good. In this crazy economy geoff continues to make himself indispesible and it seems we are in the clear at least for a few years. So scary to think we are just a couple of mortgage payments away from such a different life if he were to lose his job. My job is good and I still appreciate the balance. I do feel though, that the time with the kids being young is going quickly, and I do wish I could be with them more just to enjoy them. They will be in grade school before I know it and on with their lives. It is such a crazy fulfilled feeling to be their mom. It is a lot of work but for the most part things are feeling under control- I am getting good sleep for the most part and it helps me feel assured and strong. I just love them to death! Lucky mommy...

exhausted

had the soph/amber co bday party at the gymnastics place in chatsworth. Fun, but man am I beat up today.

two kids are sleeping in the car after a last resort drive. Took them out to Soledad Canyon road exit off the 14 freeway to get them both to knock out. it worked.

diapers are expensive and I am getting really tired of feeling like a maid all the time.

I am snack mom for sophie's weekday preschool class tomorrow- fruit skewers (no points on the end) string cheese, milk and rice krispie treats for the birthday sweet element. something a little different- other than a cupcake...

Full speed ahead - 4.29.09

So, it has been much too long since I took the time to really blog though I have wanted to. I guess I feel I just need a bit of a quiet space and head to be able to put down the details of our life here the way I want to - and it has been a long time since I have been able to afford that time to just check out and do that. It is 2:40pm on a Wednesday afternoon- I am here at my local Starbucks, plugged in, a tall iced americano by my side. The kids are at home with the new nanny, Jessica, and Geoff is there as well having come home early with his neck hurting and needing a vicodin. Life has been busy- I just can't see it getting any less busy. There was an interview with Jessica Lange in a recent magazine I read. She was asked about how she was doing since her children had 'left the nest.' She described how suddenly there were vast expanses of time to fill - and I can totally see how that would happen. Two kids with preschool, activities, playdates, birthday parties, mommy and me classes, visits with family and the days are just fluttering by. They are all consuming- and when they leave to have lives of their own - what will there be? Hours to fill with new things...

It has been an up and down last couple of months. To our dismay, Sophie caught pinworms somehow but they seem to be gone. Poor Alexander had his 4th prevnar vaccine booster and promptly got roseola- 4 days of high fever followed by two days of mild pink patches covering his body. Sophie had this too when she was about 18 months old. I fired Rachel the nanny after I became convinced she did not want her job with us anymore - she had begun stealing frozen food- bagels and cookies, and doing the least she could get away with as far as the kids went. Luckily, after re-joining gonannies.com I had interviews with two good candidates and two not so good ones. We went with Jessica- a 25 year old gal from Woodland Hills- went to private school, married parents, has her bachelor's degree in interior design. She has tons of babysitting experience and though would rather be working in her field, the economy is just so bad that she started looking for nanny work. Seems good so far- a fiery Aries personality that Sophie and Alex are both drawn to. Like their dad.

Have been to Disneyland twice since our first visit in March with the Colorado Nugents. Such a good time- Soph is a disney champ and goes for hours on end with no complaints. We went this last Monday with mom and Aunt Karen. After a bumpy start- a lost lolli and Alex needing a nap- we had a good cold lunch at a shady spot in the Plaza Gardens and the little guy had a nap. From there we were pretty much golden hitting lots of spots in the park. Before the summer blockout dates, the plan is for Geoff and the kids and I to go for one more trip to do the California Adventure park. We will drive down on a Sunday night, stay over at the Ramada and be there in the morning to hit the rides without having to deal with a morning commute first. I am looking forward to it. I swear I get more excited for these Disney days than Sophie does!

Geoff had a party at the house for his 40th birthday- catered food from an Argentinian restaurant, rented tables and chairs, I ordered a cupcake cake decorated as a swimming pool. It was fun- about 25 people came in all, including Geoff's parents and brothers. Soph's 4th birthday is next- she has a 'kids' party on Sunday May 3rd at Le Club gymnastics in Chatsworth- we are doing a shared party again with buddy Amber and mom Tricia. Should be fun- fairly easy with having it someplace other than the house. A week later on the 10th, the Stranieres come back into town to have an adult bbq/party for sophie- she wants a Disney princess theme- invites, dinnerware, pinata! No real surprise there. I bought here a gorgeously indulgent Tinkerbell white dress from the Disney store that she had picked out months ago, and is still asking for. After that the DCA trip and then chillin in the pool for June- summer school for Sophie, swim lessons for both kids at Pam's and finding fun stuff to do indoors after the crazy summer heat kicks in. The cool winter weather came and went so quickly- it didn't really start getting temperate until December this year. One big giant desert- LA that is.

Geoff is doing well with work- having a sort've down time right now and waiting for the next big move to come his way. It is looking as if a good promotion is coming not that far down the line.

Sister K is relaxing after being interim nanny for a couple of weeks. Gave her a good chance to bond with the kids by being their caretaker- instead of just having a visit. On Saturday, she and Sophie and I are going to see a Saturday kids play at the Geffen Playhouse called "Frog Belly Rat Bone." I am hoping it will be good. Karen is signed up for graphic design classes starting this summer at Santa Monica City College and wants to get an AA degree- work part time. take it easy and just enjoy herself. I think it is great- you only have one go around and after the last tough couple of years she has had in her employment situation, she deserves time to just stretch her wings, smile and feel good in her skin.

My KIDS. oh how I adore them more every day. Of course with the huge lapse since I have last written, Alex is changing by leaps and bounds. A list will be the best way to describe his changes and loveliness:

He adores shoes, is obsessed with them. He wears all of our shoes around the house, slippers, dress shoes, rainboots, ballet flats, you name it he has had them on.

At 19 months today we have a handful of words beyond his gaggle of animal sounds. We now have
"booo" = pool
"gaaaaah" = car
"mooooew" = mole (as in the ones on my arm he likes to push like buttons)
"bah bah" = bottle
"mah" = more
da and ma, of course
"nana" = Luna
"ball"= ball!

He still loves to give me wet raspberries, on my neck, my arm- anywhere available when it fancies him.

He is starting to eat a little better- had some tuna sandwich today- still likes his fresh fruit, cookies and bread items the best. Will not touch real vegetables and still gets pureed baby veg/meat a few times a week to make up for this. He is sleeping ALL NIGHT in his big boy bed. I still nurse him to sleep and cuddle him- he falls asleep until about 2. I return with a 4 ounce bottle and he kills it and goes back to sleep. I too fall back asleep in his bed usually until 5:30 and then return to the big, comfy warm bed until both kids awaken. It is really exciting that this transition from co-sleeping to his own room and bed happened completely without stress or crying or big problems. Now, I know we still have a hurdle ahead when I wean him, but we are getting close. I think within a month or six weeks that will end. He still loves that nighttime nursing before he goes to sleep, petting my tummy with his hands and all that warm, mommy skin contact. Who wouldn't?

He LOVES Geoff's new Honda dirtbike and goes around the house growling all day, making the sound like the revving engine. Hysterical.

He loves plunging into the jacuzzi for evening 'baby pool' swims with the rest of us now.
He still has his tubes in his ears which are keeping him healthy- the colds have really dissipated since last winter and he is so much happier for it. He is not growing very quickly and remains in the 20th percentile for weight, 35th for height. My little guy- he is about 24 pounds right now. He is really warming up to people in general- grammy dot and my sister, other friends too. He is much less about being just with mom. He runs now, and has become much more graceful and aware of his body. Loves going down slides and climbing, jumping off his little toddler bed onto the floor.

The best part about life with he and Sophie right now is watching the two of them become true friends. Sophie is besotted with him (for the most part) as are Geoff and I. He is our peaceable little Libra- full of affection and cuteness- so adorable with his darkening blonde hair and brown eyes- no longer hazel. I can't take enough photos- this time is so fleeting that I want to bottle him up and cherish this time forever. I cannot wait to hear him say his sister's name. I think that will bring me to tears of happiness, truly.

My Sophie is a pistol- her father through and through. Zippy and energetic, so physical still, clever and full of attitude. At the moment she is adoring school because of her beloved 'teacher Teri.' She looks like such a real girl now- there is nothing toddler or preschooler about her. At Disney mom took her through the haunted mansion and she didn't bat an eyelash. Fearless. She is acting out a bit in regards to the nanny transition, but that is to be expected. She watched her first full length movie last weekend- 78 minutes worth of Tinkerbell on dvd. Loved it, of course. I look forward to actually taking her to the theater and am keeping an eye for something very enchanting to be released to take her to. She still loves spending time with her beloved Grammy in Oxnard- cuddling in the big bed and having dozens of Nurse Nancy stories told to her. She is doing 100 piece puzzles of princesses and dreamy scenes. Still loves watching 'Little Bear' and the 'Little Einsteins', but has added 'Charlie and Lola' and 'Maggie and the Ferocious Beast' to her daily show selections. Still just watching 2 shows per day. Want to make that last as long as I can. She joined a "Twinkle Toes" ballet class at the YMCA which Kaylin (from weekday preschool and mommy and me rinaldi group) goes to as well. She needs that friend in the class to help her break the ice and join in. She loves Teacher Tracy too- and recently declared that she would like to be a teacher now, instead of a nurse!
She captivates me and makes me crazy every day.

And me? I am a person in constant motion- driving, cleaning, prepping meals, washing clothes, making coffee, scooping cat litter, picking up shoes, sweeping the floor (again), making the lunches to go, packing up the laptop to go to the office, changing the diaper, raising the shade, lifting the late night ice cream spoon to my mouth! I did some consistent swimming at the YMCA for about a month, doing laps a few times a week. Lost the groove and need to get back on track. It felt so good, getting that metabolism truly humming and stretching all of those muscles instead of just pounding the laminate all day long.

Above all right now I feel completely and totally GRATEFUL. So lucky to have and know my beautiful kiddos with their good health and winning personalities. My medicated husband- (no, seriously, prozac has been just a godsend in getting his anger issues under control.) Our marvelous home with no more immediate construction needs- our beautiful pool that is just waiting for us to jump back in this summer.
In all of this difficulty with jobs and the economy that so many Americans are dealing with- Geoff and I are both employed, paying the bills on time, being able to enjoy each other and the little ones. I don't take it for granted for a minute.

illness

alex has thrush.
sophie has pinworms.
I have a porokeratoma in my left foot to be be removed this afternoon.

christ.

email to the nanny...

March has been busy and fulfilling- our first trip to Disneyland with my brother's family, fun playdates and general goodwill. Geoff bought himself a dirtbike for his 40th birthday. Lots to say but lacking energy and focus to spell it all out currently. In lieu of a real entry, I am pasting in an email I wrote to nanny Rachel last night when I was up from 3-6 am. This is becoming a habit this block of hours awake in the early morning. the email:

Good morning Rachel- thanks for your help this week. I am so relieved to see that Alex is doing better with the separation issues. I know that has been such a bummer for all of us the last 3 or 4 months and I am glad that for the most part he seems to have come around. I just wanted to mention a couple of things. I don't have a problem with you bringing your laptop to work, but I would like to request that you limit its use to your break time only, ie, when the kids are sleeping/quiet time. I know how the computer can have its pull for checking email, sites, etc. and I think it would be easier to just have it turned off and not in use during the time you spend with the kids. I have always appreciated your lack of personal phone use during your time at the house and I would like for you to have the same boundary with the laptop. I hope you understand. Also, on Tuesday and Thursday, before it gets too hot again, I would definitely like you to take Alex out for a walk in the morning. I realize that you get plenty of exercise before you come to work, but he is still at such a great age for a 20-30 minute stroll to get fresh air, listen to the neighborhood sounds and watch the world outside. Of course I know that when Sophie is here you are only able to cruise him around inside the house, but that is hardly the same as all of the benefits of a real walk outdoors. In that, it would be great if you can plan to regularly take him out both days that Sophie is in preschool for the next couple of months until she is out of school and our scheduled days change. As far as Sophie right now, I am sorry for the difficult behavior we are encountering - resisting instructions, etc. She is going to spend Sunday night with my mom this weekend- maybe that one on one time will ground her a little bit. I know that Sophie is physically pretty rough and it is important to establish what is okay and what is not, but when you can, please try to have physical contact with her because I think she is needing it. I know when you read together you sit close and cuddle a bit and I think that is great. maybe it is also as simple as sitting next to her during puzzles instead of across from her to give her a little squeeze now and then throughout the day to affirm your affection for her. As I said, I know it can be tricky with her being too physically aggressive, but if you could try I would appreciate it. I hope you are feeling better after recovering from your strep throat- I am sure that was pretty painful and took a lot of energy to get over. I was saying to Ruth tonight that you have been with us for 14 months now! I hope that you are still enjoying coming to work and playing with sophie and alex. I know it can take a lot of energy sometimes, but I hope that for the most part this is a job you look forward to, playing and doing things with the kids. Sometimes I sense that maybe you are getting a little bored with being here/the same thing week after week? I don't know. I think we should work together to try and mix it up a bit so that there is a little more variety for the three of you. As we talked about this week I appreciate the downtime and routine they have with you, but I also think trying out some new things would be helpful. I have a couple of toddler activity and preschool art books that I would like for you to take a look at on Tuesday when Sophie is at school to see if you can find some things that might be a good fit. I could try and dictate some different ideas, but I think instead it might be helpful if you took a look to see what interests you and what you think might be good for both the kids and yourself to do together. Moving forward I just want the time you are with the kids to be the best it can be- rewarding, enriching and relaxing too. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I look forward to any feedback or concerns you may have. I think the best way to have a good relationship between us is to keep the communication open and to keep an open mind about making adjustments along the way so that we can make the best of this partnership. Have a great weekend and we will see you Tuesday-Julie


and her reply:

Yeah we can talk Tuesday because there are a few things I wanted to talk about too. See you then. Rachel

I am not quite sure how much longer this working relationship will last. She is stealing homemade cookies and naan bread from my freezer. As if I wouldn't notice. I believe to an anorexic this is called hoarding.

Harumph.

busy

So- I started this entry on January 27th...

Rolling into 2009...

Okay, so I am really feeling agenda driven right now.
With joining the YMCA I am trying to figure out good class options for Sophie and good days for her to take them- tumbling, twinkle toes (beginning ballet), a crafts class, sports fun and fitness. Now that we have the family membership those seems like wonderful outlets for her. It is just a matter of finding the good classes/teachers. Sophie starts her new preschool first week in February. We visited her classroom last week and met her teachers, Alicia and Terry. Soph participated in circle time and toy clean up and snack. She did well and I am hopeful that it will be a good change for her. I need to be careful not to be pushing too many new things at once. Though she loves to be busy and the exercise, it is a lot to take in mentally so I think March will be a good time to start some new stuff at the Y. Have taken sophie for free swims a couple of times now while Geoff has stayed home with Alex. The pool thing with Alex is tricky as he has the tubes in his ears. Soph loves the Y pool, fooling around with the noodles, kickboard and throwing balls into the basketball hoop perched on the side. She seems to have some anxiety about swimming on her own though- almost like she has forgotten that she is capable. It is confounding me- she swam all over ours and Pam's pool all summer but at the Y she panics without the supporting items. Odd. Maybe it is the large size of the pool? ALl the other people/strangers in the water?

Alex has been doing great at his Outside the Box class in Woodland Hills and sat right on the teacher's lap at the end of class last Friday. Octavia is a pretty cool lady and she has a good breadth of knowledge about brain developement and babies, etc. The incessant whining has seemed to end for now- he has been quieter and in better spirits. It was to the day that this whining started- the day he got his 2nd flu shot and the DTAP at his 15 month checkup. His poor leg near the DTAP injection got super hot and red, and stayed swollen for several days.

... and did not quite finish so here I am back three weeks later- February 17th to babble some more about family events/dispositions/issues...

The basics:

went to Big Bear a week and a half ago with Joe Z and Karen. Geoff and Alex and I were upstairs- not 45 minutes after arriving, when Alex took a tumble down the stairs. Geoff immediately sensed something was very wrong- and a trip to the emergency room in the Big Bear community hospital followed. During a 3 hour visit to a very quiet facility- 5 xrays and a CT scan later, it was determined alex had fractured his clavical/collarbone on his right side. Talk about a stressful visit- poor Geoff looked like he was just going to lose his mind. It was exhausting and all, but it could have been much worse. The injury sounds pretty awful but the body heals it by forming a calcium lump over the two fractured parts of the bone. Alex had tyenol with codeine for a couple of days but seemed in pretty good shape and spirits after getting back home. Didn't like how he couldn't seem to hold down food for a couple of days after the fall- we are guessing it was from a concussion. My poor little cupcake- I swear he is such a softie.

Sophie started in the beginning of February at the Weekday Methodist preschool in northridge. She is jazzed and excited to go. Good riddance to the granada preschool- I am so glad we went ahead with moving her. She seems more stimulated and to do more in her new environment. She has not had a nap in several weeks and it is really wearing on all of us. She is not getting enough rest and falls apart by 6pm every day - such a drag. No matter what time she is put in bed she does not seem to conk out until 9:30pm - come what may. She is getting big- eating well and playing hard-loves riding her little two wheeler bike with training wheels out in Oxnard. We need to get her one for down here- I figure I can throw it in the accord trunk and head out to porter ranch park for rides.

Alex is super clingy again- just wants his mom. Lots of separation anxiety going on for him which is tough on me. I mean, a part of me says screw it, just quit work and be his mom. and then the rest of me and for a million other reasons my job is so important and such a benefit to me, and my family too- the extra money- a little adult time, the balance it provides me. I had a big talk with Rachel last week how I am very concerned for her and for him that this is a real issue- and that we need to figure out the best ways to try to redirect him so that he is more happy each time I am away than sad. It was never like this with sophie- she was always so pleased to go with her grammy. His language has not come as far this last month as I really would have liked. So far we have a few words and a dozen animal sounds:

Bottle - ba ba
Mom- ma
Dad- Da
more - mah!!!
cracker - a-eh (note the two syllables)

animal sounds:
dog - ffffff
duck - dack dack
horse - 'neighs' and tosses his head
elephant- a whee sound
owl- hoo hoo
monkey - woo woo
cow- mmmmmmm
sheep - BAAAA! (he is very sure of this one)
cat- mo-ow with a very cute head bow
hen- uck uck (for cluck cluck)
snake - ssss

A few weeks ago I set up the two crib mattresses side by side on the floor of his room. Added a couple of adult pillows, sophie's toddler down comforter with duvet, some well chosen stuffed animals- ta da! Big boy bed. We have a new routine that has been refind over the last couple of weeks. At about 9pm I nurse him to sleep with a "Nature sounds" cd and his overhead light on super super low. Warm up the bed with him for a few after he falls asleep and he stays there on his own- generally till 1:30 am (last night it was the longest so far- til 3:30am!)- then I take him out to the playroom couch for a bottle and then bring him back into the big bed to cuddle with Geoff and I til the morning. It is working out nicely - gives geoff and i some time to be alone together, but Alex still gets his four or so hours of co-sleeping which he so digs. Who wouldn't?

and me? fair. Geoff's 40th birthday is coming up and I was hoping we could go to Vegas for a night, but he is not into it. Would rather use that money toward a dirt bike. His latest thing is that he wants to have a catered party at our house - with food, a server and a bartender- heat the pool. The kids would be around so you know who would be watching/taking care of them- me. Not a good way for me to celebrate such an important event, but frankly I am sensing that it is not really important to him my role in his birthday. Also, we had talked about him taking a trip to NYC with Sophie in April, but now he is backing off of that too- because of money. Even though his dad has jet blue vouchers they could use. I am feeling typical Leo rejection emotions- unwanted, I guess, not desirable. not important to such a marked occasion. 40 is a biggie! Geoff got to see Jane's Addiction at a small club, the Echo, last night in hollywood and had a blast. Wrangled some wristbands to get backstage and met Perry and the gang. Good for him- it is that type of thing that keeps you feeling alive.

Did a cute little valentine's playdate last week- a few crafts, storytime, duck duck goose and cupcake decorating. it was nice for the girls and not such a big deal as far as setup and cleanup. Always good to have rachel around those days for helping - she seems to enjoy it too. Because of Alex's injury - Geoff and I had Valentine's day at home - pasta for dinner and chocolates and big balloons for the kids. It was sweet. We have a date 'afternoon' this Friday- stiff cocktails for happy hour at the odyssey- maybe some dinner at Alessio's in Northridge- have not been there before. Need to be home by 7:30. The later evening hours just get too wearing on Rachel as it is the end of her week and also on Alex - he is ready for mom and dad to be home.

I saw the movie 'Revolutionary Road' last week- boy was it a doozy. Have to really enjoy those rare moments with your spouse when you can. They are lifelines.

Daily struggles remain- trying to feel okay about the state of the housekeeping, constantly picking up and wiping down. Worried about Alex not eating enough of good things. Feeling guilty for not teaching both kids enough. Always needing to remind myself of those three things I want to be/do for them- love, laugh, teach. My car is a disaster of sippy cups, sweaters, baby blankets, books, old paper towels, odd receipts and papers from preschool, scratched sunglasses. Stress over not feeling connected to geoff. He seems on another planet- always so beat up from work he seems to just get changed and fall onto the couch to watch TV like some old cliche. Just hating cooking dinner- it is my nemesis right now as Geoff does not seem to like anything I make. Another dent in the housewife ego. Swam 30 minutes of laps at the Y yesterday on my own. felt great- if only I could work out for 45 minutes each day I would feel like a million bucks. It has gloriously been raining- dampening this dry, hard California soil. I wish it would rain for two months - fill up the reservoirs and grow vegetation on those burned valley hillsides. I miss my sister. she is in another solar system right now, cycling around a big existential conversation...

Injuries

It has been a tricky couple of weeks since the holidays ended.

While visiting mom, Sophie purposely head-butted her and possibly damaged mom's nose- she is going to the doctor tomorrow. A couple of days before, while on the couch, sophie unintentionally thrust her head back in frustration and cracked me in the jaw. It was like a punch to the face. Fortunately it felt better after 2 days or so- like it never happened. Boy did it hurt though and I was pretty just amazed at the whole thing.

I have been really upset about this incident at mom's house because now I can't trust Sophie to not hurt mom. I feel like I can't really safely leave her in mom's company without worrying she may do something purposely (using her body to control) or inadvertently. I am unsure how to navigate their near future visits- how to handle it. The guilt that she did this is overwhelming me and I am trying to press upon sophie that spending time with her gram is a privilege and that she must be gentle with her. I tell her that all the time, even before this happened. We have been talking about it a bit though she seems always to connect with what she did - like she can't really swallow admitting responsibility every time I bring it up.

It is hot again after only two weeks of cooler temperatures- the sun feels glaring and there are high winds blowing for three days in a row now. It makes walks with Alex outside immpossible so his naps are annoyingly only in the car.

I told Sophie about starting her new preschool in a couple of weeks. She generally seems amenable to the idea. I promised her more art projects, she will be in a class with Sophia and Kaylin, and that she will get to meet some new friends. My fingers are crossed that the transition goes smoothly. Need to confirm with the school one more time that she has the spot...

Joined the YMCA over the weekend- family membership. Should be good, tumbling class for sophie, a workout place for Geoff, family swims on the weekend.

I am tired and feeling a little cooped up somehow. I am definitely happier out of the house with the kids. We spent all day out on Saturday- at the Gull wings museum in Oxnard and then several hours at mom's for dinner afterwards.

Am reading a good book, "The Wonder of Boys" about how to successfully raise little guys- giving them good outlets for the energy and leadership, mentoring. Boys need space. They need to move objects through space. They need skills and purpose and competition. I am getting a lot out of it so far...

Am feeling distant from Geoff- we seem to both be operating on our own axis- chipping away at the days until bedtime collapse. Ash from the fires two months ago continues to drift downward- powdering the patio and turning the bottom of the pool murky with organic material. I wish it was more like winter- cool and invitational for park play and afternoon walks.

I think I just need some exercise...