My Sophie Girl...31 mos. old

For weeks I have been wanting to find quiet time to sit and just put down in words who my daughter is. Right now she is the center of attention at her grammy's house- having a busy day with all things interesting at the house. My mom sets up a snow village each Christmas- this year there is a skating pond, with 4 or 5 small skaters that twirl around the plastic ice. Sophie likes to pull them off, and add other things onto the pond. Needless to say it all needs re-arranging once she leaves...

She seems so big to me for a 2 year old- though her birthday is only really four months off. Such beautiful legs she has- muscular and toned- just like her dad's calves. Her arms are strong and sculpted too. She has become a little monkey- hanging off of countertops and climbing whatever and whenever she can. We go to an indoor play place, last week she made it to the top by grabbing onto netting to hoist her body up from platform to platform- over and over and over. There was a 3 year old girl named Vivian who started following her- climbing up and then swirling down the curving red slide together. Since Alex was born, especially during the first couple of months, we have spent so much time at home. Sophie went from being very active with dance class, art class, mommy and me and playdates- to a lot of downtime at home. It is a relief to be out and doing things again- her little body needs the exercise to make it happy and calm when playtime is over. She plays so hard! I took she and Alex to the Bee Canyon park last Sunday - it was a beautiful day- bright and clear and cool. Little Alex rolled over for the first time and 10 weeks old from his back to his front. Granted, there was a bit of a slant on the grass, but still!

Sophie did super on her own, joining up with other kids and running wild, digging in the sand with her battered toys and climbing and sliding. I have found other parents so willing to give a hand- put her into, and give her pushes on the swing alongside their own child. It is so nice to see how other moms and dads can see my hands full with the baby, and they jump right in to give that adult hand where it is needed. She checks in to chew on half of a string cheese, shovel a few grapes into her mouth and swig water from her sippy cup before returning to play. I think she is her happiest when she is outside and playing. Or in the house, 'rough housing' as we call it.

I put Alex in the bouncer and tackle her onto the ground, and tickle tickle tickle. We do motorboat and the sleepy rabbits song, she does her toddler cartwheels and somersaults. And she laughs- shaking out any nervous energy and running at me full force from across the room. She has been using her body sometimes to lunge at me on the couch while I am holding Alex and it is a frightening moment. I push her down, off the couch and tell her "No! You could hurt us! Don't do that- no lunging at mommy when I am holding the baby!" I think she is starting to understand, but I know it is a play for attention- that she deep down wants to be held too like he is being held...

She does love her brother though- she gets so close up into his face, that he cannot see her, and I explain this, but no matter. She goes right up and mimics my language - "hello little sweet man, how are you today?"She laughs and does little panting noises, mirroring him as he struggles to get over the congestion of his third cold of his life. She puts toys on his body when he is in the bouncer and a blanket too, reminded to never put anything over his face. She hugs him, unaware of her own body weight and pressure against his infant frame. I am always saying, "careful, he is still small- please don't lean on him, be gentle."

After months of 'no nap' during the second half of my pregnancy, she has blissfully started going down again for a 2 hour respite in the mid-afternoon. She snuggles down into her down blanket with her creatures, listening to softly playing meditative music and breathing in warm, humidified air. We all rest, Alex on my chest or alongside me in the bed- Sophie will chat for a while and then all is still in the house. I don't know how long it will last, but it is such a nice break in the afternoon. I miss my time alone with her. I got very emotional a few weeks ago, mourning the time when she was my baby, my only girl to fawn over and read to and nourish.

The rare times when Alex naps in his bassinet alone in the day, I try to put down the kitchen sponge and disregard the mail pile so that I can snuggle her and read to just her- talk and comment on her things- the mound of polished blue and white 'stones' that are endless entertainment, her little blue bears, Bent and care bear and the Juno doll dad gave her for chanukah, the assortment of different puzzles and random small plastic bric brac. She loves her learning tower and helping bake recipes- pouring measuring cups of flour and sugar into the bowls- and always licking 'the licker' when the mixture is done. Sharing is still difficult, but I see glimpses of progress here and there. Last week my friend April brought over her 2 year old daughter Rebecca. Normally if they come to play Sophie is very possessive of her toys and unwilling to 'take turns.' This time, April came with several of Rebecca's toys and that seemed to work well- Sophie was able to investigate them, and was definitely more willing to have Rebecca be playing with her stuff.

Santa is due in just a few days, but she has proclaimed that she does not want any presents- that she will open them but she is going to give them to grammy. My mom says she feels so honored - and that if Sophie decides she wants to borrow them that will be fine. This year we will put milk and cookies out for santa, and no gifts are going under the tree until she is asleep in her little toddler cot on Christmas Eve. Then in the morning we will have a nice breakfast with the family and then open the presents. I am so fulfilled this holiday. My beautiful family- I feel so lucky and truly, truly blessed.

When I was pregnant I started to tell her, "Even when the new baby comes you will always be my baby." and "I love you more every day." She has changed the second sentence. Now I say "I love you more..." and she finishes "than anyone." I chime back, "no honey, I love you and Alex and Daddy all the same" and she says "No, more than anyone." And I laugh inside because, she knows she has been the center of my world, she knows that I adore her shining laugh and princess hair that needs brushing every day to avoid the big, scary knots that will accumulate if left alone; her open doe-brown eyes, and new storytelling abilities, the way her little right hand shakes up and down when she is telling me something important, her little horse gallop through parking lots while holding my hand, the hugs and loud kisses, her purposeful and sturdy little fingers that often have paint filled nails and small nicks and cuts.

I am amazed and so thrilled to know her, to be her mother and be a part of her world and growing up. I love her more every day.

Co-sleeping

In honesty, it all did start innocently enough. When Alex came home, Geoff started sleeping on the guest bed for a couple of reasons. One, because I would be waking up every 2-3 hours to nurse the baby, and secondly, (the reason Geoff is STILL sleeping on the guest bed) was due to his snoring, which after being awakened to nurse, the volume and intensity of this snore does not allow me to go back to sleep. Geoff will be going to see a sleep apnea specialist to get tested, etc. Off topic, we think if he just has an operation to fix his broken nose, then poof, no more snore.

Anyway, the first couple of weeks Alexander and I would go to sleep together, his small, warm body laying on top of mine, his head just under my chin. I would rub his back and pat his bottom and that would do it- he would be out for about 3 hours. After a couple of weeks, I started to put him in the bassinet right next to the bed. He would stay there- swaddled and warm, for the first leg of the night before the midnight feeding. After that I would pull him in with me. Alex got a cold (from Sophie) when he was 3 weeks old and I kept him in bed with me for the whole night. It was really comforting to know he was breathing okay and to snuggle him for comfort. I found out that when you sleep with your baby you are very attuned to their sleep state- even if you are only half-concious yourself. Well, here we are at 8 weeks old, the baby has another cold - you guessed it, from Sophie, and just wants to be held all the time. I can't blame him- he knows where to get warm and who has the milk.

I was so against co-sleeping with Sophie- the idea of the 'family bed' was something that just did not jibe with me. As kids and babies, my brother and sister and I all slept on our own in the bassinet, then crib, then bed with no issue. My brother's wife did the family bed thing- and though it sounded very cozy, I was way too paranoid about several things. One, Sophie was so tiny! What if one of us rolled onto her like that panda in the zoo did with her newborn? Secondly, how would Geoff and I have privacy/cuddle etc.? and thirdly, when would it end? When would she start sleeping in her own bed?

Sophie was a formula baby and thus was pretty fussy and loud about it. Her tummy bothered her a lot, and she certainly did not want to sleep on her back. Even on her side, she still wanted to be held in the night, and I wound up out on the narrow, Italian sectional sofa for many nights that first year. I was exhausted so much - fighting the battle to have her sleep on her own. See, I didn't really decide about the family bed. Sophie did. She wanted to be in the bed with us, and for a lot of her sleeping life so far, she has spent probably more than half of it with her mother spooned around her back, smelling her sweet skin and listening to her breathe.

This time who was I to fight this battle? After all, I had a feeling I was going to be fighting the same issues- so, in he came with me to 'the big bed' as Sophie refers to it. As a result I am much more rested- my sleep cycles coincide with Alex's- he eats quietly and quickly for the most part in the middle of the night. I put on a little pink or red glowing 'slug' candleloo and then we go back to sleep- his little body next to mine. I stay facing him the whole time and make sure the covers stay only up to about his tummy or so.

Sophie moved out of the crib into a toddler bed a couple of months before Alex was born- and we talked a lot about how she was a big girl with her own bed, that she has a new exciting place to sleep, etc. etc. For the most part it has worked, but when Alex was about a month old, she started that low crying at about 3 in the morning- the cry that says, 'I am ready now for you to come rescue me from this lonely place and bring me into the big bed to cuddle. Now. No, I am not going to self-soothe and drift back to sleep- come get me.' And in she would come with her special yellow blankie with the ladybugs and her embattle stuffed blue bear, Bent. She came in a few times and boy was it not good. She is super active and all over the place - so I worried about her kicking into him, etc. Alex would wake to eat and it would wake her too. So after a few nights of this stress, I said to her, 'honey, I need you to stay in your big girl bed because Alex needs to wake up a lot to eat and it wakes you up too. If you stay in your bed you will feel good and rested in the morning.' And somehow that worked - no cries at 3am anymore. Now don't get me wrong- if I have learned anything it is that Sophie sleeping on her own comes and goes in phases. But for now- she is in her room, Alex and I in the big bed, and Geoff out on the guest bed. Just doing what works for now.

So now all I need to be worried about is how to un co-sleep eventually? Will Alex ever sleep in the pretty white crib with the red, navy and white rockets? He is sleeping now, on my chest, contented as long as he is there. I do cherish this- my last baby. I should hold him close for as long as I can...

Alexander's Birth...

I wanted to write about this before the details slip away from me. I recorded all of my memories of Sophie's birth on video- but did not with my second born. Alex was born eight weeks ago today, on Saturday, September 29th. It was a warm, sunny day- not too hot for the time of year. I had started having contractions, far apart and mild for the most part on early Friday morning.

I was so excited thinking that I would not have to go through induction this time, that my body was starting the process naturally. My ob/gyn, Dr. Negron, had set an induction date for just one day after my expected due date- she was going on vacation a few days later. I SO did not want this to happen- a repeat performance of Sophie's delivery, staying overnight on cervidil which did nothing, and experiencing so much pain in my cervix before getting the epidural and pitocin. ick.

The last couple of weeks before Alex was born I had been frantically trying to squeeze in my last fun moments with Sophie as a duo. We had gone to the Huntington Gardens with friends the week prior, a visit to a mygym class with a friend and her granddaughter Kaity and the like.

On Saturday morning I pretty much knew this was the day, but I was still feeling good and decided to take Sophie to her art class at Tinker, thinking I could always leave if the contractions started getting closer together, etc. I remember telling the moms in the class that I was having contractions and they were astounded that I was there- haha. When we got back, I made a mountain of blueberry pancakes - the last meal. called Karen and told her to come over, that we were getting close to the big event. A carpet installer was in our house from Lowe's- his partner had not shown up for work that morning, so it took him over 6 hours to install our bedroom carpet. After Karen arrived and a quick hot shower, we headed to Los Robles hospital in Thousand Oaks- making several calls on the way, Cynthia, Lori and mom to let them know the big day had arrived. Mom was due to attend a high school reunion dinner with her boyfriend Robert, and I told her she should still go as I was thinking labor would go on for quite a while.

We arrived at 3 in the afternoon. The labor and delivery rooms were ghostly quiet- no inductions scheduled on Saturdays. After getting hooked up with a fetal heart monitor and a monitor for my contractions, Dr. Negron checked me and said I was 2-3 centimeters. I had said the anaesthesiologist could go for his gym workout- that I would be okay with the contractions for a while yet. However, Dr. Negron went ahead and broke my water bag- and BAM! I had a contraction double the strength of all the prior ones. Man, did it HURT. Like a sharp knife scraping at my uterus all over. Mom arrived right before they gave me Stadol in my IV drip- waiting for the anasthesiologist to come back. God, I got so high and I know Alex must have felt that too- it was so trippy and I wanted a cigarette so badly. Such an association with feeling that high and smoking. Goodness. The drug man arrived and got me hooked up on the epidural smoothly about when the stadol was wearing off. After that, it was all pretty much smooth sailing.

After Karen closed up the house when the carpet guy was finished, she and Sophie arrived at the hospital. Labor went pretty quickly, I was dilating rapidly and the time seemed to go quickly without much to note. I was in good spirits for sure. At around 8:30pm it was time to start pushing and I did for a short while- and then all of a sudden Alex's head was where it needed to be for delivery. I guess it happened kind've suddenly, and they needed to call Dr. Negron to come. It took her 30 minutes and felt like forever. I remember asking right before she arrived, "Where is the goddamned doctor??" She showed up, and after a four inch episiotomy and a few more pushes, little Alex was born into the world at 9:38.

I was so happy, so thrilled- and I felt terrific- not nearly as wiped out as I had with Sophie. It really was a great birth experience. After he was weighed (9 lbs 6oz) and wiped up, got 10 out of 10 for apgar scores, I started nursing him and he ate for an hour, content to just be at my breast. Sophie was really well adjusted the whole time. She helped to 'push him out' by having her hand on my stomach during delivery- so precious, as my sister in law would say. She later noted to my mom that the nurses had blue gloves, that Dr. Negron's gloves were different (longer and purple) and that Alex was 'covered in spaghetti and meatballs when he came out.' Classic. The photos say it all- we are all grinning madly after the delivery and gazing in awe and joy at our little boy, finally arrived- just several hours before his due date of September 30th.

He is my gift, Sophie's brother, my sweet, angelic boy with his blue, blue eyes that make me laugh every day. I am such a lucky woman to have two healthy growing, happy children.

first entry...

It is a Wednesday afternoon in mid-November. My firstborn is curled up in her special blankie, asleep in her room- the humidifier creating a nice white hum that keeps her down. My beautiful newborn son asleep too in the center of my queen size bed- not yet able to roll over and so not yet banked with pillows on either side. So today I start a written record for myself, really no one else. Just a keepsake of precious moments, frustrations and joys that are a part of being a mother to two young children. I take hundreds of pictures of them and fill photo albums, but photos cannot speak of lightly dampened foreheads, and flickering dream smiles that wander across their faces. Photos cannot demonstrate the galloping, sashaying and hopping of Sophie's muscular little legs. Pictures cannot reveal the intimate details that will escape me with time, so I want to keep them here, safe. For them, for me, for my husband.

Today was our first day on our own, Sophie, Alex and myself. Geoff had been home for close to 10 weeks with a spinal injury/surgery and recovery. With him back at work I will be learning to get into a rhythm with my two little ones. Sophie has not had a nap at home in I can't remember how long, so it was such a relief that she surrendered for one today. I know she will feel so much better for it after she gets up. Alex had a long morning nap- he had to be tricked into it by sitting with him in the sling, on my lap for 20 minutes, while I quietly read "Curious George Goes to the Hospital" - a current favorite for big sister Sophie. It is typical hot November day, glaring sun and mild Santa Ana winds keeping us inside, no park visits. And to be honest, going out with both on my own is something I am at this point a bit leery of. What to do if Sophie runs from me and there I am with Alex in the stroller? It is a scary thought. I am considering buying one of those stuffed animal backpack/harnesses for backup. She is a handful my girl- full of spitfire and laughter and a headstrong will. I adore her- she is redefining herself as a two year old and it is so hard to accept sometimes. I need to be patient, patient, patient. It is such a balance trying to be "firm but kind" and set limits without feeling like I am shutting down her initiative, independence, assertiveness. She loves to be read to, and is amazingly talented with puzzles. She loves to jump on the neighbor twins' trampoline, and was a 'blue princess' for her third halloween.

My boy is a sweet little love pumpkin. He is happiest against my chest, either asleep or eating or being walked around. Rocking comes in last so far but I am sure it will make its way up the list. With Sophie I was so afraid of "co-sleeping" but with him, somehow I am not. My girl is back to making her way into "the big bed" by 3am every night anyway. I just want to love them and rejoice in their beauty and youth. Baby is up- time to go...